I’m not sure what to say. I can’t believe it’s been 5 weeks since I posted “I Don’t Want To Adult Today.” I’ve never gone this long between posts.
This is one of those times when I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to say until the words fly off my keyboard. As I begin, I don’t even have a title. That’ll probably come to me somewhere along the way. Because in all honesty, I haven’t really felt like writing lately.
A lot of people think that writing comes easy to those with a gift for words and I’m sure for many writers it’s truth, but have you ever heard of writer’s block? Sometimes the creativity just isn’t there, the words don’t flow, the sentences don’t come together, the heart isn’t engaged.
What can I say? I’m still not sure, but somewhere in that last sentence are found my excuses.
Excuses: 1. a. To make allowance for; overlook or forgive. b. To grant pardon to; forgive 2. a. To apologize for (oneself) for an act that could cause offense. b. To explain (a fault or offense) in the hope of being forgiven or understood; try to justify. 3. To give permission to leave; release.
And sometimes behind really good excuses are some really good reasons why I don’t feel like doing something, but most times that’s all they are. Excuses.
If you read my last post you know I’ve not been feeling myself lately. Since Christmas my physical body has not been very kind to me. I’ve been bounced around between doctors, each one specializing in different parts of my body. They’ve all ordered tests to rule out any number of reasons why my body rebels. It seems my thyroid isn’t the issue after all.
Yes, I have an enlarged right thyroid due to multiple goiters, but my thyroid is functioning on a good level. By the time a thyroid nodule causes a scratchy throat and hoarseness in the voice it’s highly suspect cancer so let me just say that I’m thrilled this is not the diagnosis for my issues. We’ll keep an eye on the goiters and I’ll have another ultrasound next month to check their growth levels, but I’m not expecting much change.
So, needless to say, I’ve been frustrated. All those symptoms I mentioned in my last post are NOT in my head. Why would I make this stuff up? Sometimes I want to scream…
(OH…maybe I should tell you that I have. Screamed, I mean. So what?!? Doesn’t do much for a scratchy throat and hoarseness, but I still did it. No judgment, please, but you can pray for me, if you want. The insanity plea seems like a really good excuse at this point, but I will still confer…I am NOT crazy!)
In all honesty, it’s not written down in any of my medical files as an absolute, without-a-doubt, for-sure diagnosis, but it’s suspected that I have an autoimmune disease.
At this point, can I just say…for cryin’ out loud! Do you know how long it takes to get an autoimmune diagnosis?!! I’ve been doing reading and researching on autoimmune diseases, specifically focusing on the one my endocrinologist has targeted. It’s called Sjogren’s and it affects the moisture producing glands; thus my dry mouth, dry eyes, dry nose, trouble swallowing, scratchy throat, hoarseness, brain fog, fatigue; blah, blah, blah.
I’m getting tired just thinking about it. I’m on information overload.
There’ve been a lot of things I don’t feel like doing lately. Goodness, how many of us have said at least once in our lives, “I don’t feel like doing this, but I’ll do it, anyway.” Story of my life these days, but how many times have we found ourselves stuck with a task, or glued to a job, or bound to a season we don’t have the feels for? Or when our heart just isn’t in it?
If you know anything about me you know that my life has been full of physical challenges. A few months ago, a strong man in the faith whom I admire very much, underwent some serious eye surgery that required him to wear a patch over one eye for weeks. I couldn’t help myself when I said to him, “I guess you’re getting a little taste of what I go through every single day.” His response, “This is one of the hardest things I’ve had to adjust to in a long, long time.”
Losing your sight in one eye presents a lot of unexpected new challenges. Without going into a lot of detail you lose peripheral vision and depth perception. But if, like me, you’re also severely hearing impaired you have an even greater disadvantage. If you want to know what my world is like try plugging your ears up with cotton balls and put a patch over one eye and go about your day as normally as you possibly can. Do it, for just one day, and let me know how you make out.
But…for all of the frustrations and new challenges you encounter, if you knew this was to be your lot in life for the rest of your life you would rise to the challenge. You would learn to adapt. I don’t doubt you.
One of the things I’ve learned is that when I’m physically challenged I have to make both physical and mental changes. Processing change takes time. Sometimes I have to work through the discouragement and the frustration. Sometimes I have to do some reading and researching to understand what I’m facing. Sometimes I have to listen to what the specialists say because most of the time they know what’s good for me. Sometimes I have to deal with the reality of excuses.
When excuses start rearing their ugly heads, God and I have a lot of business to do together. Because when I’m bound to seasons of life I don’t have the feels for I need my Abba Father to help me process change more than I need anything this world could offer me.
I need my Abba Father to help me push through excuses.
One of the things God showed me many years ago when I was dealing with all the baggage I carried into adulthood concerning the loss of my eye and hearing was, “Nina, I’ll give you the reasons why you are the way you are, but you’re not to use them as excuses NOT to serve Me, NOT to do the things I’ve called you to do, NOT to complete a task, NOT to finish a job, NOT to walk through a difficult season. I’ll give you what you need to do life because I’m all you need.”
That’s when 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 became my life message:
“So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.“
Sometimes when life gives you a new challenge you just have to get up and start typing, even if you don’t know what you’re going to say or what the title of your message will be. Even if the creativity isn’t there. Even if the words don’t flow. Even if the sentences don’t come together. Even if the heart isn’t engaged.
But, just do something and let God carry you along. Let it fly.
It’s what I do. The Grace of God has been more than enough to give me ‘eyes’ to see and ‘ears’ to hear every single day my entire life. This same grace will be more than enough to push through the symptoms of an autoimmune disease.
When I don’t feel like doing something, I remember I have a choice to make: I can either let the enemy keep me from being effective in the tasks God calls me to or I can let the Power of Grace help me say No to excuses and give me reasons to say Yes to Him.
Because when I am weak, He is strong.
Hmmmm…how about that? Even when I have no idea what to say, I think saying that is enough.