If you’ve been following my blog you’ve heard me say more than once, I’m a drama-queen. High-strung. Wound-up. Over-reactive. Whatever. I am what I am. Not everyone likes a drama-queen. I understand. I’ve had to learn, though, that before I can embrace all that God wants me to be, I have to embrace all that God wants to Be to me.
When this drama-queen gets worked up she needs to vent. There’s this dying need to unload, to let it all out and will someone please just let me? But, I’ve learned that if I’m going to vent, I need to vent to God. Not to people. Too much drama can turn people off.
My poor husband…please sympathize with him…he’s the one person on this earth who’s seen the worst of me and still loves me. God knew I needed him. Not too long ago I was having some blood pressure issues partly due to my sugar addiction. After a few days of binging (not proud of this) I was feeling light-headed and dizzy. A blood pressure reading showed I was pretty near stroke-level…160/92. Brace yourself, my friends, there was enough drama to win a Tony award.
My husband is a grocery store manager and one of his responsibilities is to write the weekly employee schedule. It takes him days to write it and a lot of concentration. I know better than to bother him when he’s writing the schedule. Did I care, though? I went flying down the stairs full speed ahead and cried out, “I’m dying!! I’m dying! My blood pressure is 160!” Bless this man’s heart. Seriously. He calmly put his pencil down, folded his hands and looked up, “Honey, you’re not dying. Maybe you should go to the doctor, but I know you don’t want to do what I tell you.”
Any other man probably would’ve left me a long time ago. His favorite way to describe me? “You’re a mess.”
God wired me with some strong emotions. I wasn’t exactly born calm, cool, and collected. I remember many times as a teenager waiting until I was alone to lose my cool. In the privacy of my bedroom with the door shut I would blessedly lose it. I remember vividly the time I opened my bedroom window and screamed out into the night. Scared our dog into a barking frenzy. My parents weren’t home, thank goodness. Sometimes I thought I was crazy.
If not for Jesus I probably would be.
We all struggle with unhealthy emotions sometimes. Some of us more than others, but God knows how I’m wired. He knows what I’m made of because He made me. That means when I need to vent I can vent to Him and He can take it. What’s more, He can beat it out of me.
I was reading Isaiah 28 yesterday and was completely transformed by this passage:
“Does the plowman plow every day to plant seed? Does he continuously break up and cultivate the soil?
When he has leveled its surface, does he not then scatter cumin and sow black cumin? He plants wheat in rows and barley in plots, with spelt as their border.
His God teaches him order; He instructs him.
Certainly black cumin is not threshed with a threshing board, and a cart wheel is not rolled over the cumin. But black cumin is beaten out with a stick, and cumin with a rod.
Bread grain is crushed, but is not threshed endlessly. Though the wheel of the farmer’s cart rumbles, his horses do not crush it.
This also comes from the Lord of Hosts. He gives wonderful advice; He gives great wisdom.” verses 24-29
God knows what kind of soil I am. He knows what kind of seeds need planting in me. He may have to thresh, roll, or beat, but He’s after a harvest of good crop. He gets me. He works me. He changes me.
When I yield to the work of His hands He teaches me how to bring order to my soul and spirit. He gives me wonderful advice and shares great wisdom. He instructs me how to rid myself of emotions that are toxic to my spirit and how to let go of feelings that are damaging to my soul. I want to do what He tells me.
There’s nothing wrong with being a drama-queen. Passion can be a good thing if channeled in the right ways. After all, a plowman wouldn’t go through all the trouble of tilling his ground if he didn’t love what he did, if he didn’t love the land, if he didn’t love the hope of a harvest.
Just as the farmer knows what seeds will grow best in what kind of soil, so God knows what feelings and emotions best compliment my character and personality. I’m a sanguine. I found it very enlightening to learn a few years ago the strengths and weaknesses of my personality. Strengths like: I’m talkative, a storyteller, emotional and demonstrative, lover of people, good on stage, with a changeable disposition, having energy and enthusiasm, creativity and color in my life. Weaknesses like: I can be a compulsive talker, exaggerating and elaborating, scaring others off, with restless energy, controlled by circumstances, making decisions based on feelings, easily distracted.
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
One thing I know, though, God doesn’t make mistakes. Or messes. He makes marvels. When the worst parts of me are tamed and the best parts of me are strengthened God inspires surprise and admiration and wonder, “Wow, God, look what You did!! You tilled the soil of my heart and planted seeds of beauty. You threshed the talkative nature in me and made me Your spokesperson. You rolled the tendency to exaggerate and gave me a wonderful testimony. You beat the restless energy into passionate service. Gosh, Lord, look what You did.”
I am what I am. A work in progress. There will always be new soil to till, new seeds to plant, new crops to harvest, but in God’s hands I’m transformable. I can be more of a marvel than a mess. It scares me to think of what I would be like without Jesus. I don’t even want to think about it. I guess I’ll just let my drama-queen-self think instead on what I am becoming…a good surprise, an admirable saint, a wonderful work of art in the hands of my Creator.
I still vent. Thank goodness I have forever family and faithful friends who love me for me. Most of the time, though, I’m learning to take my over-reactive-and-wound-up-self to the Maker of my heart. I want to embrace all that He wants to Be to me, for me, in me, through me. Because I really do want to embrace all that He wants me to be…not a mess, but a marvel.